Saturday, February 19, 2011

Yesterday, the veil was lifted.

I’m not sure what it was about yesterday, but it was one for my records. Being ‘new’ to this, I’m not really sure how the mechanisms work, or why it happens for one event and not another, but, it happens, and I’m cool with that. However, yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. It was NOT what usually happens to me with events like what I’m about to describe later.

The pilot episode of The Listener on CTV featured a line at the end, a line that I’ve taken to heart. For me, it was basically a calling out, something that I SHOULD do, but had not yet done.

All my life I told myself: turn it off, shut it down, make it go away.
Today, I broke that rule. I stopped looking the other way and saw the truth.
This isn’t a curse, it’s a gift.”

I’ve never actually thought of this as a curse. There are times when it certainly feels like it, but never on a constant basis. As well, there are other times when it can become, well, annoying. So, I don’t really feel its curse, nor is it always a gift. For a while, I just ignored it. But, there were a few events that happened a while ago that basically said “I’m here for you, whether you ignore me or not”. So, when the show aired, I decided to stop ignoring it, and started to pay attention.

For a while yesterday it felt like a curse again. This passed after about 30 minutes of pretty intense cleansing and smudging. I was hit so hard I simply could not function properly. This is quite odd for me. I’m usually able to tell when something is going to hit, and am able to ‘lessen the blow’. I still get and retain the information, but it doesn’t invade my emotions. This time, it did. Big time.

The event that happened yesterday could have been tragic. As it stands, it’s only an unfortunate accident. A woman 5 months pregnant was hit along with her 5 year old by a taxi. I don’t normally pick up on these things unless they happen close to me, or to someone I know well; but yesterday was different. I started to hear and feel things before I knew anything about what was going on. Indeed, it may have happened after I started to hear and feel things. I was working, getting ready for next week, when all of a sudden I heard something crash on the floor above me. I moved back to a spot where I could see all of the floors above me. No one was there. The elevator was on my floor, so there wasn’t anyone who could have possibly made that crash. To be sure, I later checked to see if anything had simply fallen over, and the answer to that is also no. Nothing had fallen, no one was there, but there was a crash, and it was quite loud.

Here’s the other part of it. An acquaintance of mine who had not been feeling well that day had decided to go for a walk, after dealing with a DVD problem that delayed her exit by about 30 minutes. I passed on some information about how I do ‘head clearing’ walks. As always, I finished it off with “but watch out for cars!” She came across the accident shortly after, and tweeted it. I passed on the information I had just received from Toronto’s Traffic Services.

I’m assuming she was still close to the area when the massiveness of what happened hit me. I felt death. At least, at the time, that’s what I thought it was. At the time, there was no word on the condition of the two/three people who were hit. But all I felt was a sudden sense of overwhelming fear and death. This is what DOESN’T happen to me. This was all of a sudden, and massive. It hit almost like an earthquake. I could no longer even stand up. I sat, and cried. I don’t do that either. I’ve suffered a lot of loss in my life, and this was way more than all of that. As someone who is a bit empathic, I ‘absorb’ others emotions, but I’ve almost always been able to tell what is ‘me’ from what is ‘them’, and wash the ‘others’ off. This time it was so complex, I couldn’t tell. I mean, I KNEW it wasn’t me, but the feeling was much different.

After reading more about the accident, and the taxi driver, I think I know what it was. I think I picked up on the emotions of the taxi driver and bystanders, and NOT the victims. In the short interview I read, he apparently stayed in his cab and prayed for their safety and also feared for his job, and what he had done. I was possibly picking up on the emotions of everyone, and it combined into a shitstorm that I couldn’t completely understand. I’ve only been ‘allowing’ these things to happen to me for a few years, so I haven’t had nearly the experience of others out there, so my interpretations at this point are still quite ‘immature’. What I felt was very complex, and quite hard to understand. With time...

And…it was a full moon.

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